Swamp Stories

Evening in New Orleans

2010-07-27T15:19:00.001-05:00

here's the dance. when evening falls unencumbered. when the warm blanket of humidity wraps the new orleans lights with a thin fog and the termites swarm to the glow, when the streetcars throttle, rock, and metallic thud their way down st. charles, when cool glass of lime filled water sweats, waiting to be sipped, as cars seem to too quickly swing their way around the corners, the intersections speckled with pedestrians, the stories on the stoop begin. the random pellets of truth sprinkled throughout the gossip. when friends share drinks, cigarette smoke slowly curls its way into the air and decides momentarily as it hangs, whether or not to rise or fall. it drifts its way into the wisteria. disappearing. this life progresses. it moves on. sometimes surreptitiously, yet always successful. it makes its book longer, its next chapter. collecting the lives of the lonely, who with windows open, dream of joining someone else's story. the groups of casual acquaintances who lazily get their alcoholic evening loaded. all of the characters in this scene feel the weight of the day lift and fall away as the relaxing white of the crescent moon hooks the casual observer into a low, temporary pause, and then releasing, lets each one go slowly, softly into their own night.

The Dock

2010-07-21T18:36:00.001-05:00

step. as my weight hits the wooden dock, it creaks, and i pound my feet fast down the warmness that the sun has brought by scorching the dock stretching out from the beach. my legs lift, and staring hard ahead at the sparkling tips of the water as little waves jump and push themselves up to catch crystals of the sunlight. taking last step, i push off, momentarily defying gravity i soar upwards. my hair lifts off of my scalp, and the air runs its fingers through my brain. in taking deep breath, i plummet into the water and descend into the quickly darkening refreshment of the cool water. air effervescence surrounds me and plays little games on my skin as it slides around me. opening my eyes, i orient myself and drift up, quickened by a strong stroke of my arms downward. kicking, i ascend, things growing brighter, clearer. breaking the surface i exhale and make way for full lungs of new, clean breath. relaxing i float to my back, rolling my arm i push and swim towards the dock.

Two Thoughts

2010-07-18T20:57:00.000-05:00

volleyball

illusory tellings take my mind as escapes they bring to carry me up this hill. where beaches and volleyballs sink and spike in the nola of my life. when the future fortune teller tries to show me the fast forward button i know that only i will want to see it, but must inhibit my knowledge to actions that will continue to evolve my life into positive structures. when stars align and steel and cement form below them into skyscrapers that reach up into the heavens, the two of them shall meet. the above and the below. the two seemingly impossible finally connecting. the ethereal vapors forming to dew-covered skylines, and buildings lined with glass and hard edges together share the wetness of the water. when the moon rises and illuminates the scene that surrounds the transcendent event, the earth holds its breath and quietly exhales in a peaceful release. the palpable evanescence soothes the sides of the shapes in the stars. slowly i rise to the tops of the buildings, and leaping off am caught in a sea of stars, shapes reach out their arms and pass me up, farther, beyond, and above all below, i see the colors of the night swirl into a uniform color of blue with white star stripes.

arrested love

what is the weight of love? how much does the louisiana heat increase the passion that a mother feels for her child as he is taken from her? he in no longer a child, he is a man. he is taken from her and she collapses. he has tried to flee. he has been running for a long time. now he has driven himself across the parish line. he is a wanted man. wanted by many, many lawmen. his crimes accused are heinous and hard to verbalize. his actions should be run from. all humans should run from his actions. but he was not able to escape. he has caused hurtful destruction, and he has been run down by the enforcement, the officers, uniformed nopd, LA state troopers, and countless undercover cops. it is unclear how his mother got so quickly to the scene, did she run to him, or was he running to her for protection? either way, they only meet through the humid distance of a stare. no physical contact can be made. she screams in horrifying anger. he stares back in rage as his freedom is taken away from him, handcuffed. what is the weight of love? where can a measurement be found to quantify the emotions that race freely from this mother into the streets of jefferson parish? her knees collapse beneath her, she falls, fists in the air, screaming obscenities. finding strength from within her, she rigidly rises back up and shaking, continues to verbalize her anguish. her love is maternal, internal, and it languishes on the smooth hard window of the patrol car as her son is placed inside of the back. locked. closed, caged in. she, raw, pleading with the heavens, what is the weight of love?

Somnambulent Post

2007-09-10T23:53:00.000-05:00

Perhaps I shall start to post here again...

Vacation Time - Laissez Les Bon Temps Rouler

2006-07-17T14:59:00.000-05:00

Please eat Louisiana seafood!!!

The Motorcycle Group .com

2006-07-12T14:00:00.000-05:00

Gymi, a few friends and I have started a new website. If you're interested in our site, stop by at www.themotorcyclegroup.com .

Shoestring and the Huey P.

2006-07-08T19:33:00.000-05:00

A few months ago while I was hanging out with my father-in-law, Shoestring, he was telling me about when he used to drive trucks for the different used car lots here in New Orleans.

He'd leave home every morning and get in his car-carrier over on the west bank. After loading it up with cars at one yard, he'd bring them over to New Orleans on the east bank. In order to do this as quickly as possible, he'd take that colossal truck over the Huey P. Long Bridge. His ascension would start in Bridge City and ultimately bring him over to Old Jefferson.

Now for anyone who's never been on the Huey P. Long, you're in for a shock. Because as unbelievable as it may sound it's a bridge that defies any kind of description other than DEADLY.

I've ridden my bike on the levee underneath the bridge and had flakes of rust fall on my head. I've driven on the bridge while a train was rumbling down the center of the it and thought that I was going to throw up from all of the movement. And I've seen people heading to the east bank almost get their right front wheel ripped off when the curb on the right edge of the bridge jumps out at them almost a foot. This happens because the construction of the bridge was started at either side of the Mississippi River, and wouldn't you know it, but when they got to the center and tried to connect the two sides they had miscalculated their aim almost 12 inches!

Not a problem if you're going TO the west bank, but when you're coming back, you'd better watch out!

And Shoestring told me that he used to take his car-carrier over the Huey P. all the time and not have to ride down the middle of both lanes like so many other truckers do. He told me that he had 4 inches around him, and as long as he didn't mess with that, he was fine.

"Never rode down the center." He told me. And at first I didn't believe him.

Until today that is.

Lemon Jammers and I were over at a birthday party for Clotile's son, and Shoestring was there.
While a group of us were out on the covered back porch watching the food cook on the grill, a bright red "happy birthday" balloon that was hanging just inches behind Shoesting's head popped. And when I say it popped, I mean that it was a nice loud, completely unexpected BANG! It was loud enough to make everyone jump.

Except for one person.

Shoestring didn't even flinch.

He just kept smoking his cigarette, letting his eyelids close against the smoke of the grill.

As I settled back into my chair and everyone's conversations slowly returned to where they had been bumped from, I realized that Shoestring hadn't moved. Not one tiny, noticeable bit.

And I understood in that instant that his story about driving the fully loaded car carrier over the Huey P. Long Bridge had been real. He had kept that truck in his own lane, and he had not had to drive down the middle of both lanes like so many other truckers do.

Fearless, really and truly.

Shoestring really and truly is fearless. And now I am aware of this.

Catfish Festival Down the Bayou

2006-07-07T00:40:00.000-05:00

Lemon Jammers and I will be heading down to Des Allemands this weekend for the annual Catfish Festival. I've already got my eating pants on...

The festival is behind St. Gertrude's.

St. Gertrude Catholic Church is located at 17292 Hwy. 631, Des Allemands. Admission and parking are free to the public. Festival hours are Friday, July 7, 5 p.m. till 11 p.m., Saturday, July 8, 10 a.m till 11 p.m., and Sunday, July 9, 11 a.m till 9 p.m.

Cactus Garden

2006-07-05T19:23:00.000-05:00

Hello...I couldn't decide what to do with the extra section of wooden privacy fence that I had in my backyard. Mmmm...that's a tricky one.

So you know what I did? I pulled out my circular saw, chopped it up, and turned it into a cactus garden!

Billy Collins, Former U.S. Poet Laureate

2006-06-29T22:22:00.000-05:00

Tonight I Hanged Salvador Dali

2006-06-27T21:28:00.000-05:00

If you were reading my blog on Monday, November 21, then you may remember that I got a signed, numbered (50/300), flooded, Salvador Dali print from a friend in Lakeview. Well it's been sitting in an opened garbage bag in the guest bedroom for several months now. I've had two separate artists who specialize in restorations take a look at it, and for what they quoted me concerning their prices, I decided to leave it the way it is. I call it "Katrina Art."

So now here it is...I made a frame out of plexi-glass, bolts, nuts, washers, and sliding door locks.
Tonight I hung Salvador Dali's Discovery of America by Christopher Columbus in my dining room. This is a picture of what the signed print would have looked like before the levees in New Orleans broke and flooded the house where my print was hanging.

Back from Natchitoches

2006-06-24T14:57:00.000-05:00

Well I'm back from Natchitoches. I went up there to make some connections at Northwestern State University so that I can get my masters degree from there. Although I have 166 college credits, none of them go towards a masters.

While I was there I took a practice GRE. I did pretty damn well. I'm going to work on getting a Masters in English with a concentration in Folklife and Southern Culture.

Watch out for da Loup Garou!

So what did I do today you might ask? Well, because my new 12' x 9' pergola garden arbor came via UPS on Wednesday, I woke up this morning, waterproofed it, and put it together. That's what I did.

Here is what looked like after I put some Thompson's Water Seal on it.

And here's what it looks like now.

Time it took to complete it? Less than two hours. And it's a good thing too 'cause it's 95 degrees outside right now, and I've already had to take two showers today.

National Guard Back in New Orleans

2006-06-19T19:41:00.000-05:00

In response to the Five-Murder Shooting down in Central City, I'm glad that Mayor Nagin asked Gov. Blanco for some National Guard troops. Hopefully they'll be back in the city by Tuesday.

The state police shot and killed some thug at the end of my street a few weeks ago. It's still possible to see the two rectangles that the police spray painted around the dead body. In orange, one says "HEAD" and the other says "FEET."

I'm sick and tired of the violence and the stealing. Too many people who have been working on their flooded houses have had their new (and sometimes old but still good) stuff stolen.

Over and over the stories repeat themselves.

On another note, I've been doing more work on the El Camino lately. I replaced the starter last week, and today I pulled the fan motor out and gave it a little tune up, so now it's a little quieter.

That's all for today. Thank you. Drive thru.

Fried Catfish Po' Boy

2006-06-15T23:54:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to say that tonight for dinner I had the best damn fried catfish po' boy I've ever sunk my teefers into.

This weekend I'm going to pick up Shoestring and bring him to my house for the first time.

Then, we are all going to the Picadilly.

I'm bringing my gun.

Post Office Update

2006-06-12T20:32:00.000-05:00

I still haven't received that envelope that I've been waiting for...

New Orleans East and What's Up with the Mo' Fo' P.O.?

2006-06-06T19:22:00.000-05:00

Lemon Jammers and I met FunnyGirl and D down in New Orleans East on Sunday. Their rebuilding status down there as well as at their house in Mid City is moving along at a nice progressive pace. While we were there, we helped them chop down the one million ton steel pole that used to hold up their satellite dish. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration, but it did weigh quite a bit.

FunnyGirl, LemonJammers and I took the stove out of the wall...
And we hauled stuff to the neutral ground... We fixed the wooden privacy fence... And then we ate gumbo in their gutted, but air conditioned house. They just had their new, four ton a/c unit installed. It was really odd, but fun, eating lunch in a house with no walls, but one that was still a nice cool 75 degrees!

Lastly I just wanted to say that when I checked my mailbox today, I once again found a little blue post card from the United States Post Office. It stated that we would soon start receiving catalogs again as well as regular mail service.

Regular mail service?...all I got today was their stupid blue postcard. Last week I only got mail three times. What's up with the mo' fo' p.o.? I had someone mail me a large envelope over two weeks ago, and I still don't have it. I want my mail ya heard me?

2006-06-06T19:21:00.000-05:00

Eating Gumbo and Fried Chicken in the East

Not Buying a Flooded House, Gardening, & the Price of Tea in China

2006-05-31T19:03:00.000-05:00

Although I have followed the recommendation of my kick ass aunt, A.K.A. the Camaro Queen, and bought Fix It and Flip It, I have decided against buying a flooded house in Gentilly.

For too many reasons to get into great deal with tonight, here they are...

Gentilly flooded. Remember? Me, I'm still gunshy.
My pad'nah XT has backed out of the deal.
I drive through Gentilly (and depending on what kind of mood I'm in I sometimes drive through Lakeview and the Upper 9th Ward) and the progress is not where I would like it to be.
I need some me time.

So with that said, I'm going to focus on myself in the immediate future. Specifically, I will be doing some gardening.

Two days ago I planted some climbing hydrangea (yes I spelled that without using a dictionary) along my wood fence, and my backyard will soon become home for a 12x9 pergola. It's kind of like an overgrown wooden arbor.

I'm going to put down some square slate with some pavers randomly set down in places.

And I'm going to do what comes most unnaturally, I'm going to relax.

The easiest way that I know how to relax is by reading. So I'll be doing some of that. And if y'all are looking for a great (true) short story to read, check out Fritz from www.reelfellas.com 's true story by clicking HERE. Scroll down to "Katrina" by Fritz Esker. It's well worth the read, and I even play a roll in the story, so check it out y'all.

Oh, and by the way, what is the price of tea in China these days?

Why Tonight I'm Happy with Katrina

2006-05-23T15:27:00.000-05:00

Tonight, and only tonight, I'm going to say that I am happy about one small thing that Hurricane Katrina brought me.

Well, okay it's actually really big.

When I was driving out to the bookstore tonight I passed by Bayou Daiquiris in Metairie, and on the side of the road, along with all kinds of other hurricane-related debris, was the store's huge plastic sign that used to hang up in the air on a steel pole.

I immediately pulled in to their drive thru and asked the owner if he was really throwing it out. And he said, "Yup. Do you want a hand putting it in the back of your El Camino?

Luckily I had just drilled the I-bolts in the bed of the Camino so I could ratchet it down because as you can see in the picture, the sign is humongous! And as easy as that, the colossal sign is sitting in my backyard!

My Night's Drive

2006-05-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

tonight...i went for a drive out to where i used to work...lots of good stuff to look at...enjoy...

The Mississippi River or just "The River."

Kaiser Aluminum...nice looking from far away...

The house where Hollywood filmed The Skeleton Key starring Kate Hudson.

Another shot while I was driving of the Skeleton Key House.

St. Joe's Plantation...between Oak Alley and the Skeleton Key House.

Oak Alley Plantation...can you believe that the three houses above are all right in a row? It was a great way to start my morning when I would drive by these things on my way to work.

It's Amazing

2006-05-18T20:08:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how I've forgotten about my blog as of late. My mind wonders around, and my brain sends signals to my body, and before I know what has happened, another week has gone by.

I've been working like a maniac these last few weeks.

But now I have a masterplan. I hatched it two nights ago. Hold on, I just heard a thump out front. I'll be right back. I need to see if my jackass neighbor has parked his car in front of my house again even though his driveway and the spot in front of his house are empty.

...I'm back. He did park there. I fixed the problem by logically explaining to him that when there are no cars in front of his house, and no vehicles in his driveway that (here comes the bandwagon part) "because everyone else on this block parks in front of their own house" that he should park in either his driveway or in front of the empty curb that runs in front of his house.

Just kidding.

I threw a brick through his window and now his stupid alarm is honking incessantly. Problem fixed.

Back to my masterplan. It starts with my morning each day when I drive into Gentilly. For those of y'all who don't know, Gentilly is between Lakeview and the 9th Ward, and somewhat southwest of New Orleans East.

There are FEMA trailers popping up all over. I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, so thank you feds. Seriously. Your white trailers make me happy.

But...and this is where my plan starts to take shape.

There are HUNDREDS of homes in Gentilly that are still untouched. Before the storm (a.k.a. Hurricane Katrina) Lemon Jammers and I, when we were shopping for houses, looked at several homes in Gentilly. However, at the time they were just a little bit more than we were willing to spend.

So we passed on them and went and bought the place we live in now.

But because our house did not flood, we have some equity in it.

How much? Enough to buy a flooded house in Gentilly.

Now let's talk maps. I know I'm moving fast, but that reflects my current state of mind.

So me and my pad'nah XT, (one of his vehicles is a Nissan Xterra) are talking about splitting the cost. Buying a flooded shotgun house on Gentilly Ridge (which is of course higher than other parts of Gentilly because it's on a ridge) and then redoing it ourselves and then flipping it when it's done.

Haha! There you go. Yeah you right. You right for that. Sho nuff.

So where am I at?

I was approved for my part of the loan today!!! Next step...pick the house that we want and locate the owner...

St. Bernard Parish Video

2006-05-14T15:34:00.000-05:00

When I was driving home from work in Gentilly on Friday afternoon I saw a small, hand-painted sign on the side of the road that read, "Free Store." It also gave the address and pointed with an arrow. There are so many places in New Orleans that are still left untouched since the flood waters came into the city back in August.

The two brothers who moved into the house across the street from me haven't touched their house in Gentilly. I work two blocks from the home where the grew up and lived until August. Both guys are in their sixties.

When I say they haven't touched it, I mean that everything that was in their house before the hurricane is still inside of it.

Each day that I head out of my house I drive by flooded car graveyards. I should take a picture of one of them so that you can see what I'm looking at down here. Thousands of cars sit motionless underneath the overhead freeways. FEMA towed them off of the streets (although the job is far from being completed) and the tow trucks dumped them in big groups all over the city.

Bayou Coquille

2006-05-08T19:59:00.000-05:00

Lemon Jammers and I took a trip through Bayou Coquille yesterday. Here are some of the pictures that we took while we were there.

2006-05-08T19:55:00.000-05:00

Baby Alligator - about one and a half feet long

2006-05-08T19:54:00.000-05:00

Gator Head in Bayou Coquille

2006-05-08T19:53:00.001-05:00

Here Comes a Gator

2006-05-08T19:53:00.000-05:00

Gator Swims By

2006-05-08T19:52:00.000-05:00

This alligator was between nine to ten feet in length.

2006-05-08T19:51:00.001-05:00

Following the Gator

2006-05-08T19:51:00.000-05:00

Come here boy!

2006-05-08T19:50:00.001-05:00

Gator

2006-05-08T19:50:00.000-05:00

Lemon Jammers looking for hidden treasure

2006-05-08T19:48:00.000-05:00

Swamp Stuff

2006-05-08T19:47:00.001-05:00

Bayou Coquille

2006-05-08T19:47:00.000-05:00

The Bayou - Sunday, May 7, 2006

2006-05-08T19:46:00.001-05:00

Lemon Jammers

2006-05-08T19:46:00.000-05:00

Cypress Knees

2006-05-08T19:45:00.000-05:00

Boy on the Bayou

2006-05-08T19:44:00.001-05:00

Old houseboat that is now a house on land.

2006-05-08T19:44:00.000-05:00

The aluminum shell of a houseboat - minus the boat.

Brother Bayou Boy Gets A New Truck

2006-04-29T21:10:00.000-05:00

My brother got himself a new truck this week...check out his 1970 Ford F100. Bucking the trend towards vehicles with great gas mileage, his beast of a truck has a 390!!!

This vehicle pushed the number of rides that my bro has had to almost 50...

Not bad for a guy who's only 28 years old.

Attention Family Members: Check Out the License Plate!

Hurricane Season

2006-04-25T21:49:00.000-05:00

We've been getting reading for hurricane season down here on the bayou. I just received my new, battery-powered t.v. in the mail along with my 10" battery-powered fan. We've been stock piling batteries too.

(Can one eat batteries if the hunger urge gets stong enough?)

Now when the next hurricane comes to the Gulf Coast, I'll be able to watch it on television with the cool breeze blowing on my face just as the cataclysmic eye descends on my house and rips the roof off!!

My dogs Ginsberg and Mickey can't wait to watch The Antiques Roadshow on the 5" black and white set...

Sharon Is Delighted - THE JOYS OF ART

2006-04-22T22:32:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all...check out this great site. www.sharonisdelighted.blogspot.com

Back and Forth with My Blog

2006-04-21T23:30:00.000-05:00

I go back and forth concerning what to do with my blog. Today I got a letter from a friend, and I realized that I have become too reliant on e-mail.

As I drove home from working in Gentilly, New Orleans today, I was shocked to see that we had gotten a new, working traffic light at Gentilly and Elysian Fields Ave.

Big ol' smiley face here.

Slowly we are coming back. But in the same breath I think about a hand-written sign that I saw in Mike's Hardware store on Elysian Fields today.

It read, "Gentilly home for RENT. $2,500. call..."

Man. Prices are out of control in Nola these days. Yahoo! headlines had an article about FEMA asking for money back from Katrina victims...

Everywhere I go the tattooed water mark remains on every fence, building, tombstone, car, and face of people I encounter.

I just reread what I typed, and I realized that I said "today" quite a few times. It's hard to focus on anything else. Day by day.

I got too much coming at me right now to decide what to do with this blog. One idea would be to...eat crawfish 'til I explode...haha.

Mudbugs...It's What's for Dinner

Read This Article About Blogging

2006-04-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/business/146115_blogger30.html

Microsoft fires worker over weblog
Many people post work-related entries on personal blogs, but they don't expect to be terminated

Thursday, October 30, 2003

By TODD BISHOP
SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCER REPORTER

Michael Hanscom began keeping an online journal, commonly known as a weblog, several years ago. He started his job as a contract worker in Microsoft's print shop last year. Last week, he mixed the two.

This week, he's looking for a new job, after becoming an unwilling case study in the fine line walked by corporate employees who write about work in their personal weblogs.

It all started when Hanscom noticed something interesting on the loading dock on his way into work a week ago -- three pallets of shiny new Apple Power Mac G5 computers, clearly destined for somewhere on the company's Redmond campus.

The scene wasn't entirely surprising. Although the companies are in many ways rivals, Microsoft makes software for the Mac operating system, and Microsoft makes no secret of the fact that it tests competing technologies, including the Linux operating system.

But Hanscom, a 30-year-old Seattle resident who has his own Power Mac G5 at home, found the arrival of the computers interesting enough to stop and snap a photo. Later, after getting home from work, he posted it to his weblog, under the words, "It looks like somebody over in Microsoft land is getting some new toys."

Under the photo, he explained that he had come across the computers at Microsoft's shipping-and-receiving facility, which he identified as being in the same building as the print shop where he worked. He was careful, he says, not to photograph anything around the computers that would have indicated the location.

On Monday, when Hanscom came into work, his manager asked him about the post and informed him that he was being let go. Hanscom says he took from the conversation that the post was considered a security risk because a careful reader could decipher from his description the location of the shipping-and-receiving department.

According to Hanscom, he offered to take the post down, but he was told that wouldn't prevent the company from letting him go. "I would have much rather have done that than have lost my paycheck," he said yesterday.

As the weblogging phenomenon has taken off, there have been isolated incidents around the country in which companies fired employees for posting in their personal weblogs work-related material that executives consider compromising or inappropriate. But Hanscom appears to be the first person let go for that reason from Microsoft, where an ever increasing number of employee webloggers regularly post work-related material.

Microsoft spokeswoman Stacy Drake declined to comment specifically about Hanscom's situation, citing a policy against discussing personnel matters.

"However, we do recognize that weblogging is a legitimate form of communication," Drake said. "As you know, a number of Microsoft employees have weblogs, and we respect and support their decision to do so, as long as they abide by our confidentiality agreements -- which would apply to any form of external communication."

Hanscom isn't sure, but he doesn't think his firing had anything to do with the fact that the computers he photographed were Macs. He says he understands if Microsoft might have been concerned about the security implications of his posting, but he wishes the company would have figured out a way to correct the problem without firing him. He doesn't recall signing any confidentiality agreement when he was hired. A long-term temporary worker, his job at the company was through an employment agency.

Rebecca Blood, author of "The Weblog Handbook," agreed that Microsoft could have resolved the situation better, at least based on the available information about what happened.

"If Microsoft is genuinely concerned about the physical security of their campus, this wouldn't have been a good way to handle that," she said. "Firing people who inadvertently break a rule doesn't prevent other people from breaking it again."

Hanscom, meanwhile, has become a minicelebrity after technology sites, including the popular Slashdot, picked up his Monday weblog post describing his firing. He has gotten calls from representatives of news organizations, and he woke up yesterday to more than 250 e-mails from people offering comments about the situation.

"I couldn't believe that it was getting that much attention," Hanscom said, explaining that his weblog is usually read mostly by people close to him. "I never expected it to go beyond family and friends."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the Web: www.michaelhanscom.com/eclecticism

P-I reporter Todd Bishop can be reached at 206-448-8221 or toddbishop@seattlepi.com

© 1998-2006 Seattle Post-Intelligencer

2006-04-18T17:01:00.000-05:00

I originally posted this on Sunday, April 9th...

Left to Right: Me, Shoestring, Willy Crayon

After Lemon Jammers and I went out to breakfast this morning at Elizabeth's in Faubourg Marigny just outside of the French Quarter, I headed out solo to my father-in-law's place in Boutte. With my El Camino loaded up with tools for doing bodywork, I roared across 310 and onto Highway 90 with my newly installed a/c compressor pumping out some nice cool air. After I put the a/c system and its new compressor back together last weekend, Lemon Jammers took the Camino to a shop next to her work so that they could e-vac the system for me and give it a full charge.

The shop gave me the freon like I wanted instead of converting the old system to an R-134a. And to my surprise, when my wife brought it home that night, not only was I happy to have ice cold air in it, but I was thrilled when Lemon Jammers told me that she liked driving it so much that she wanted to know if she could drive it to work again on the following morning.

She must like pressing that gas pedal and hearing the roar of the 305 through the Flowmasters as much as I do.

So she took it to work two days in a row.

But back to today...
When I arrived at the my father-in-law's place, he was already outside with my brother-in-law. There they were, my father-in-law Shoestring, and my brother-in-law Willy Crayon.

Willy had just bought a 1991 Chevy Silverado that needed some body work, and we were all there to tell each other how best it should be done. I could tell right away that this would be a job that would take a whole lot of beer if we were all going to make it out alive. But I was wrong.

Just as soon as I had unloaded my El Camino and piled all of the things that I had brought next to Willy's Chevy, I asked Willy if he'd come give me a quick hand pulling a piece of headliner trim out of another El Camino that was in the back of the junkyard.
As we were pulling the trim off, we saw another pickup truck pull into the lot and park by Shoestring's trailer. As soon as the truck shut off, we heard the noise. The sound of two dogs fighting and growling and piercing the air with that hideous sound that only a dying dog can make. I didn't want to go see what was going on because I knew that it could only be real trouble, and I certainly wasn't going to try to break up two dogs from fighting that I didn't know. But I had the headliner trim off quickly and it was time to walk back.
The fighting still had not stopped by this point and everyone's voices around the two dogs, who were not visible to me because they were on the other side of a truck, had started screaming and swearing. I heard the voice of BP, the owner of the junk yard, yell, "If you don't shoot the MF, I will!"
And as I walked around the trailer and saw two huge guys pulling desperately on a pit bull as it bit savagely at the neck of BP's mutt, BP came flying out of his trailer again. His greasy hair was disheveled and he was only wearing his tighty whites, which unfortunately didn't look too white in the brightly blazing Louisiana sun.

He held a .38 pistol in his hand and yelled, "Kill that MF or I WILL!"

And just at that moment the two guys who had been pulling at the pit bull were able to free his jaw from the neck of BP's mutt. With both guys having been bitten and scratched during the ordeal, there was a lot of blood between them as they both fought to carry the dog into the warehouse and separate it and themselves from BP.

And that was the start of my morning with Shoestring and Willy Crayon. The rest of the day was kind of boring after that.

We mostly sanded the Chevy and did a little bit of bondo work.

Still in his undies, BP tended to his wounded dog. It probably won't die.

After seeing BP in his underwear all pissed off and swinging a gun around, telling you about my afternoon just seems kind of anti-climactic, so I'll leave y'all with that.

Never Play Leapfrog with a Unicorn

2006-04-17T19:22:00.000-05:00

Samuel Pepys wouldn't do it, so why should we?

2006-04-16T19:40:00.000-05:00

Vespas Getting in on the Action

2006-04-16T19:39:00.000-05:00

Having a Good Time

2006-04-16T19:38:00.000-05:00

Ba ba ba da da bam...

2006-04-16T19:37:00.000-05:00

How to Swear Correctly

2006-04-16T19:36:00.001-05:00

This Girl Has Some Pipes

2006-04-16T19:36:00.000-05:00

Easter in the Quarter

2006-04-16T19:35:00.000-05:00

Here Come da Parade

2006-04-16T19:34:00.001-05:00

Rolling...

2006-04-16T19:34:00.000-05:00

Chris Owens Seated

2006-04-16T19:33:00.000-05:00

Lovin' da scenery in da Quarter.

2006-04-16T19:30:00.000-05:00

Movies are being shot all over NOLA.

2006-04-16T19:24:00.000-05:00

More Fun in the Quarter

2006-04-16T19:23:00.001-05:00

Easter Parade in the Quarter

2006-04-16T19:23:00.000-05:00

Easter Parade in the Quarter

2006-04-16T19:22:00.000-05:00

Easter Parade

Moving On...Moving My Thoughts

2006-04-03T21:35:00.001-05:00

So what's the real story? Where do we go from here? When will our plane land, and who will get me more peanuts?

Well, the real story is about my job. You see, if you believe my profile, I am a nutria rat bounty hunter.

If you play let's find one of our coworker's blogs through a myriad of links and personal e-mails, well then I become me. Myself. Or do I?

When I started this blog I originally intended it to be a place where I could get away. A little corner of the www where I could hide out anonymously and partake in some story telling that was about...hmmm...I don't really know if it was going to be really true or mostly true or just a place where I could sit back and tell all y'all lies. Big giant stories where all the names remained the same but the facts had all been changed.

So I went with true stories and I had a great time telling them.

And then the hurricane hit. And from somewhere inside of my sleep-deprived brain I decided that I would continue to tell stories about...well, the hurricane.

But then things got really rough for a while and many posts were quickly deleted in order to avoid fights, and well...I kept my blog alive.

I had to do this, mostly with pictures, because this was all I knew. And for a short time my blog became cathartic for me. After all, there are some hilarious stories that I have; some great stories that need to be told, but for right now they must stay off of this blog because the people that the stories are about are reading this.

So now it's time to move on.

It's time to take a hiatus from this blog and begin another one because thanks to six degrees of separation and what I really want to post about here on my blog, there is nothing more that I can say right now.

But rest assured that as I continue to fly my plane around these swamps (metaphorically) here in Louisiana I will be shoveling my face full of fried seafood and cheese grits enjoying each and every last mouthful.

For those of y'all who pass by every so often to check on me, I'm going to be launching a new blog. I'm going down to Boutte this weekend to help my brother-in-law Willy Crayon lower his pickup truck, and I think this would be a good place to start my new somewhat cohesive narrative thread.

If you want to find where I'll be posting, drop me a quick e-mail at dryer8mysock@gmail.com

Later Gator

Moving On...

2006-03-28T21:29:00.000-06:00

Why I LOVE El Caminos

2006-03-20T19:47:00.000-06:00

I found this video of an El Camino owner, and I wanted to share it with y'all. Maybe if I get posi with a locker unit in my rear end I could do this.

In celebration of my 30th birthday on Tuesday, I picked up my newly painted El Camino from the paint shop. It's looking real nice. Pictures of my car are posted below the video...

Turn your speakers up and watch this guy burnout!

2006-03-20T19:46:00.000-06:00

My Chevy El Camino with its new paint job

2006-03-20T19:43:00.000-06:00

My Chevy El Camino

Chalmette, Louisiana

2006-03-14T21:26:00.000-06:00

Flood waters up to the ceiling fans... My friend took this picture of the first floor of his house and the 12 foot surge of water that came into his home in Chalmette during Hurricane Katrina. The water stayed inside for more than three weeks before it finally was pumped out.

Where This Blog is Going

2006-03-14T21:06:00.000-06:00

When I originally started this blog I intended it to be a place where I could launch (publish seems too brash) some of my writings. But lately it seems that all I can do is avoid writing about anything because all of my thoughts seem to push me in the direction of Hurricane Katrina.

For those of y'all who are not in New Orleans, I can only say that the hurricane is an event that permeates the daily existence of everyone who lives here in the Big Easy. And although too many people use the storm and its vicious aftermath as an excuse, I can't avoid hearing and living Hurricane Katrina on an all too regular basis.

So here's where I'm at...

With my 30th birthday coming up next Tuesday, I am going to try and focus. I'm going to try to focus on creating little stories about some of the crazy people that I work with. And I'm also going to write about my favorite real-life character, my father-in-law, Shoestring.

The stories will be about the humorous events that the people that I work with place themselves in as we toil on a construction crew in New Orleans.

I will be changing all of the names, but the facts should mostly remain the same.

So I hope you enjoy this blog as I set off into my 30s with a new stressed attention on creating writing here on this blog.

And just in time to begin my adventure, I should have my El Camino all ready to go by the time next Tuesday rolls around. What a nice birthday present that will be.

My El Camino has received so much attention lately, and after setting the timing last weekend, I got down to the body work. After sanding, sanding, sanding, and more sanding, I filled holes and dents, sanded, filled, spot puttyed (I think I just made that word up) and sanded some more.

And now my car is at the shop getting painted. As I stay focused on the theme of my blog as "Swamp Stories" and as I pass by y'all's place in my muscle toting Chevy El Camino, get ready for some stories about the people who are my coworkers.

BEFORE...

2006-03-10T17:28:00.000-06:00

My Friend's House Before Hurricane Katrina. Chalmette, LA.

...and AFTER

2006-03-10T17:27:00.000-06:00

My Friend's House After Hurricane Katrina Floodwaters Finally Receded. Chalmette, LA.

...and AFTER

2006-03-10T17:25:00.001-06:00

My Friend's Boat During Hurricane Katrina. Chalmette, LA.

BEFORE...

2006-03-10T17:25:00.000-06:00

My Friend's Boat Before Hurricane Katrina. Chalmette, LA.

BEFORE...

2006-03-10T17:24:00.000-06:00

Living Room Before Hurricane Katrina. Chalmette, LA.

...and AFTER

2006-03-10T17:15:00.000-06:00

Living room in Chalmette, LA after Hurricane Katrina.

BEFORE...

2006-03-10T17:13:00.000-06:00

Neighbor's house before Hurricane Katrina. Chalmette, Louisiana. August 2005

...and AFTER

2006-03-10T17:12:00.000-06:00

Neighbor's house during the flood. Chalmette, Louisiana. August 2005

Pinch the Tail - Suck the Head

2006-03-05T07:32:00.000-06:00

Eight dollars for a two pound plate of crawfish...yummy. I'm so glad that the bar at the end of the street is open again and serving up some spicey, hot, boiled crawfish.

Cajun Joke

2006-03-02T21:30:00.000-06:00

One day Boudreaux decided to apply for a new job. So he went into the office, filled out an application, and sat down for the interview.

"Okay," said the manager. "I'm going to ask you to take a test for me Boudreaux. I'm going to tell you three different numbers, and you are going to have to illustrate them for me without writing the number. Okay?"

"No problem," replied Boudreaux.

"Alright," said the manager, "your first number is nine. Please draw me nine."

Boudreaux thought about it for a moment and then scribbled the following picture and slid it across the table.

"What is that?" asked the manager.

Boudreaux replied, "Well tree, plus tree, plus tree is nine."

"Well done Mr. Boudreaux. Your next number is 99. Please draw 99."

Boudreaux puzzled over this for a few seconds and then added some mud to his picture and gave the piece of paper back to the manager.
"What is that?" asked the manager.

"Well," said Boudreaux, "I figured dat dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree equals 99."

"Impressive," the manager replied raising his eyebrow. "Now for your last number. Please draw 100."

This stumped Boudreaux for a minute until he decided to add a little pile of poop next to each tree. Then he slid the picture triumphantly across the table as he said... "Dirty tree and a turd, plus dirty tree and a turd, pluse dirty tree and a turd equals 100!"

Mardi Gras Parade Pictures

2006-02-28T08:24:00.000-06:00

Here are some pictures from the parade that I rode in last night...

2006-02-28T08:23:00.000-06:00

Lemon_Jammers and Me

2006-02-28T08:21:00.000-06:00

Mardi Gras Floats Getting Ready for the Parade

2006-02-28T08:19:00.001-06:00

The Chief and my wife, Lemon_Jammers

2006-02-28T08:19:00.000-06:00

Loading up the Floats - Notice all of the empty jello shots on the ground

2006-02-28T08:18:00.000-06:00

Only the Lonely - Notice the Can of Beer in the Cleavage!

2006-02-28T08:16:00.001-06:00

Hoboken, New Jersey Police Join in the Parade

2006-02-28T08:16:00.000-06:00

Lemon_Jammers gets ready to roll in the parade

2006-02-28T08:14:00.000-06:00

Crowd

2006-02-28T08:13:00.000-06:00

Extra Large Daiquiris in Cups with Revolving Lights

2006-02-28T08:12:00.000-06:00

Throwing Beads

And the Answer Is...

2006-02-26T19:00:00.000-06:00

The answer is...35 pounds of beads! Can you believe it? I caught 35 pounds of beads last Thursday night. Congratulations to the four of y'all who correctly guessed how many beads I caught. Thank you to the 15 people who took the survey.

I love Mardi Gras.

And with Mardi Gras happening all around me, I've spent the weekend painting more of my hurricane shutters and working on my El Camino. Now that I've put a new water pump and a new radiator in my El Camino, I'm going to drive it tomorrow to meet a friend of mine and then we are going to roll in a Mardi Gras parade!!!

It'll be my first time ever riding in a parade. I'm not actually going to be on a float, but I am going to be cruising in my friend's cop car.

How cool is that? I'll take some pictures and post them on Tuesday.

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

P.S. UJ you may just be right about the name for my car...

Pounds of Beads

2006-02-23T21:45:00.000-06:00

Take my poll on the right side of this page and see if you can guess how many pounds of beads I caught on Thursday night at the Muses Mardi Gras Parade as it rolled down St. Charles...

The El Camino Gets Its Name

2006-02-22T00:09:00.000-06:00

Thanks to my friend RB (a.k.a. Snake Charmer) my 1981 El Camino now has a name.

When Snake Charmer and I were in college, he had a 1984 El Camino that he had redone. It was a really nice car. He did all kinds of cool body work, and then put a 350 under the hood to finish it off.

So when I got my Camino, I called him to tell him about it.

He told me that he was going to start calling me "The Wolf" because that's what El Camino means in Spanish.

Happy to know what my new car stood for, I went to work the next day and started telling three Spanish speaking coworkers about "The Wolf."

As soon as I said wolf, they looked at me like I was an idiot.

It turns out El Camino means "road" or "the way."

When I called Snake Charmer back, he was laughing like a maniac. He had been waiting for me to call him back and tell him what a fool I had made of myself.

He knew all along what El Camino really meant.

"Of course I know what it means you dumbass," he said. "Remember, I used to have one."

Then he finished our conversation by saying, "I was really hoping that you'd like that car so much that you'd go out and get a wolf tattoo before anyone told you what it actually means."

Thanks buddy. From now on, my car will be called "The Wolf."

Timeout for a Funeral & a Request

2006-02-15T22:57:00.000-06:00

Hey y'all. I just wanted to say that I'll be working 'til 9 again tomorrow night, and then I'll be taking a long weekend for my grandpa's funeral.

Keep your heads up. You know I got mine there.

In the few minutes I've had to spare these last few days, I've been fine tuning the El Camino.

In a week and a half from now, when I get some time off for Mardi Gras, rest assured that I'll be doing all of the prep work on the Camino that I can.

I plan on getting her repainted once I get rid of the few rust spots and then sand down the rest really well.

Right now I'm calling my new car (still can't decide if it's a car or a truck) a girl because, well, because she purrs real nice like.

So when I repaint my girl, I'm going with a two tone. Black on the middle and hood and a cream colored top and rockers.

But for right now I need y'all's help. What do you think I should name her?

Outrunning Thugs in the El Camino

2006-02-11T22:23:00.000-06:00

Just when I thought that I wasn't going to post on my blog tonight because all that I seem to be thinking about lately is my grandma who died at the end of November, my friend who died three weeks ago while on a business trip to Mexico, and my grandpa who died this last week, (man, talk about some depressing stuff) something happend to me that may just be enough to entertain y'all.

So as I was sitting on the couch earlier wondering whether I should fire off some depressing post on my blog or not, I remembered that there was something that I had forgotten at work that I needed.

And with the drop of a hat, Lemon Jammers and I jumped into my El Camino for a quick ride down into Gentilly where I work.

My El Camino was equipped with a new FlowMaster exhaust system this morning. It's a true dual system with two separate pipes coming out of the exhaust manifold and each pipe leading into its own muffler (not aptly named because they don't hardly "muffle" the sound at all) and then each muffler leads straight out to a separate tailpipe.

It's nice and loud.

After picking it up from the shop this afternoon, I put in new spark plugs, new wires, a new distributor cap, and a new rotor.

The car (truck?) runs like a well greased machine now.

So anyway, after stopping into work for a few minutes tonight, I headed back home.

I took the Elysian Fields entrance ramp to I-10 and then slowed down as I headed onto the Airline Hwy. exit.

There were two cars behind me as I made the sharp climb up the exit.

As we turned left and our one lane split into two, the car that was right behind me got into the right lane and slowly inched ahead of me in his own lane. As he did, I could see that the car was a mid '90s green Oldsmobile.

When we got to the stop light at the end of the exit, the Oldsmobile stopped a full car length in front of the fat white stop bar that was painted on the road. As the car behind him raced up to the light, it passed my wife and I and then slammed on the brakes stopping just inches from the Oldsmobile jerking so fast that the driver's head and his passenger's bounced backwards into the headrests.

Not wanting to stop right next to someone else at a stoplight, I rumbled the El Camino forward about two more feet.

As I did this, the driver of the second car opened his door and yelled, "Wait! Wait!" and came running at my car.

My wife, Lemon Jammers, urgently said, "GO!"

So I punched the gas and roared through the red light.

The guy in the second car swerved into our lane and followed us.

Now I need to interject for a moment and tell y'all that the area that we were driving in was very dark due to the lack of power since Hurricane Katrina.

In fact traffic lights that are functioning are a rarity.

So I zoomed down Airline Hwy. heading towards the only functioning traffic light that was separating us from our house.

As the light a quarter of a mile in front of us turned red, I stomped on the gas pedal as hard as I could while watching the guy's headlights in my rear view mirror.

My 5.0 liter 305 V-8 responded by gobbling up the gas that the four barrel carburetor began pumping into the motor with a sensation that can only be described as pure, unadulterated, Detroit Muscle.

With my new FlowMaster exhaust system roaring down Airline Hwy., and with adrenaline surging through my veins to the beat of the eight pistons that were pumping faster and faster, I blew through the only red light that lay in front of us.

As Lemon Jammers stayed glued to her side mirror, I saw in my rearview mirror that the car behind us had decided to stop for the light.

Just for kicks, I held the pedal to the medal until we got home, burning rubber around corners.

The last time that I saw his headlights, he was sitting at that red light.

Stabbed in the Head with a Screwdriver

2006-02-04T22:11:00.000-06:00

Since the last time I posted here on my blog, a tornado touched down just a few short blocks from my house, I've started to paint and hang my new hurricane shutters, my wife stabbed me in the head with a screwdriver, and I bought an El Camino.

I'm a tella you. I've been so busy with work that I don't know how I have time for anything else lately. But as things have transpired, I just keep pushing myself forward.

Early last Thursday morning (2:30 A.M. to be precise) I was jolted out of bed by an amazingly powerful thunderstorm that was ripping through New Orleans.

The rain, lightning, and thunder were so powerful that I sat in anxious wait at the window of our guest bedroom looking outside at my carport that I had just finished piecing back together for the first time since Hurricane Katrina ripped it to pieces. Normally each piece of an aluminum carport interlocks with one another and then the sides are secured to the support runner with a sheet metal screw. Well, not wanting to have to ever replace any of my carport again, I used several sheet metal screws to secure each piece to the next one.

As I watched the storm try its best to destroy my newly assembled project, I was proud to see it stand up to the beating.

The city of Kenner (a few miles west of my house) got hammered by a bunch of tornadoes during the storm. In fact they got hit so hard that they were in the AP headlines on Thursday morning.

The city of New Orleans had a few tornadoes too. One touched down a short three blocks from my house. When I first saw all of the debris that it created, I thought that several FEMA trucks had collided.

One tornado ripped the roof off of my friend's house in Lakeview (a subdivision in New Orleans). Imagine this: their house in Lakeview took 9 feet of water in August. The flood waters stayed there for 3 weeks. They gutted the house and have started the slow rebuilding process. And then Thursday morning a damn tornado came and knocked the roof off their house.

If that's not something telling you to get out of this city, I don't know what is.

They are still planning on rebuilding. They called a few roofers yesterday and are waiting to get some estimates.

As far as my house is concerned, I have started to prime, paint and hang my new cypress wood hurricane shutters. I have nine of them total. As of tonight, I have four of them on the house.

Four down, five left to paint and hang.

The hanging is the hard part. I'm not sure how heavy each on is, but when they were delivered, all nine shutters came in one 500 pound plywood box.

So as you can imagine, each one weighs quite a bit. As my wife and I were hanging one of them this morning, she was on the extension ladder tightening the screws into the hinges at the top of a shutter while I was on the step ladder holding the shutter in place from the bottom.

Just when I was about to tell her that I was getting a hernia, BAM! Her multi-bit screwdriver fell right on my head.

Owww! Now mind you, although my initial reaction was to put my hand to my head, I had to continue to hold the shutter in place because it was not completely secure.

Meanwhile, my wife climbed down the ladder, got the screwdriver, wanted to look at my head, and then climbed back up to the top to finish tightening the screws before I could finally let go.

By the time I was able to touch the huge bump, most of the pain had subsided.

But then the clouds parted when I went inside, and while playing on the computer, I finally found an El Camino that was both for sale and somewhat close to where I live!

I've been looking for an old Chevy El Camino for several months now; however, they just don't exist here in New Orleans. I've looked all over, but I just can't seem to find one around here.

But I found one for a great price in Mississippi, and after talking to the guy on the phone, I bought the car.

Check it out.

So with that abrupt segue, I'm off to Hattiesburg, Mississippi to pick up my new car.

Luna Moth

2006-02-01T20:40:00.000-06:00

It's been too crazy and busy at work for me today to write about anything that has to do with flooded homes or insurance companies or anything else that is looming over New Orleans tonight. Tomorrow's going to be another long day. 8 A.M. 'til 9 P.M.

I'm about to get in my pirogue and paddle out into the swamp so I can forget about the city tonight.

But while I'm off busting my hump at work tomorrow, check out these cool pictures of a Luna moth that hatched from its cocoon last Saturday. I bought the moth cocoon as a Christmas ornament from BPW who lives over at Lepidoptera Lady.

My moth had been living out on my wooden fence since last Saturday when it hatched, but late last night I scooped it up and put it back into the little box that I had made to hold the cocoon. And wouldn't you know it- just this morning when I looked inside of the box, I could see all kinds of little eggs that my female Luna moth laid.

Every Once in a While, Even a Blind Squirrel Finds a Nut

2006-01-17T16:10:00.000-06:00

Well, I am as happy as a redfish who jumped out of the net and got back into the water. Would y'all believe that I finally got my insurance check from Allstate today for the damage that happened to my house during Hurricane Katrina? Yes, it took 143 long days, but I finally got my check to cover the necessary repairs.

New Orleans' Ninth Ward

2006-01-11T16:41:00.000-06:00

After work today, my pod'nah took me for a drive through the Ninth Ward. I rarely go down into that part of the city. Although he grew up there, he now lives in Gentilly where we both work. I hope y'all enjoy this pictorial. Hopefully the 40+ pictures will tell the story better than I could.

Here is a picture of me standing on the front porch of the house in the background. New Orleans' Ninth Ward. Picture taken Wednesday, January 11, 2006

2006-01-11T16:39:00.000-06:00

New Orleans' Ninth Ward. Picture taken Wednesday, January 11, 2006